Live & Learn

 Dear Piya,

I am sorry.

I am not perfect, darling.

So, this happened-

The festival of Navratri is going on. I have been a fan of dancing Garba ever since I can remember knowing what Navratri is.

The colorful clothes, the beats of drum, the lit up arenas, the humming of garba songs, the crowd - it's a vibe!

And it have made me move, every time, every year.

In fact, I was a little sad, while pregnant with you, as I couldn't dance during Navratri that year.

But then, you made me dance way too much to your cuddly-coo tunes after birth, so that got balanced.

This year, I was very excited about you being of a lovely 5-years-of-capable-enough-to-learn-and-love-Garba!

But, alas! You remained at a hands-distance from the whole thing. You wouldn't join the circle to dance. You wouldn't move to the tunes. You wouldn't even dress up!

I was a little taken aback by how a garba-loving mother's kiddo can be so averse to the art form!

Now, I know that you have your own individuality. You have your own set of likes and dislikes. You have your own path to carve.

All said & done, how could you not like Garba?!

Yes, I hear the hypocrisy in my voice, love.

I couldn't have  and I did not force you.

But I did push you to participate every now & then. Needless to say, you stood your ground.

I danced on, with my heart torn between the tune & you, as you say at a distance, enjoying the swings in the garden while everyone else danced.

'The swings will be there tomorrow too! Navratri won't!' I tried reasoning with youz but to no avail.

Your school organised a garba event during one of the 9 days. Herein, you refused to get dressed in the traditonal garba clothing, stepping hard on my nerves, early that morning. With some convincing, you finally agreed to wear the said clothes.

I carried on with my day, and when you came back from school I greeted you with a loving 'How was your day, Piya?'

'I danced, Mumma!' you enthusiastically replied.

I looked at you, speechless.

You simply smiled.

Now, you are at a very tricky age, baby. You tend to stretch the truth every now & then. So pardon me if I did not quite believe you...

A day later, I opened the chat box from your school to find some videos from the day before's event.

For some reason, I nervously opened each video, trying to find you in there, somewhere.

I saw you standing just outside the garba-circle in one video. You watched as others danced to an inviting teacher's moves.

5-seconds went by.

And then 10 more.

And then 5 more.

This is when you raised your hands in the air, just a bit.

You tried to follow the step your teacher was demonstrating.

After a few trials you seemed to get the hang of it.

Now, you started moving towards the circle, passing ahead one student at a time.

And before I knew it, my eyes were filled with a wondrous smile!

You were there, in the circle, dancing to the tunes of Garba.

I maintain that you have your own personality to grow into, my girl, but somehow seeing you enjoy something I so dearly love touched my heart.

I called you and asked, 'I saw you dancing so well in your school, Piya. Why do you not dance when Mumma calls you to?'

You replied with a strong message, 'I danced with 'my' friends. You dance with yours.'

Not a day goes by when I don't get to learn something from you, darling.

But some days, the learnings are just too powerful...

You truly are a girl or your own making.

And I am nothing but proud.

Love,

Maa.

Treble & Bass.

 Dear Piya,

Allow me to share something with you, about the human nature, today.

When facing two specimens of the same species, it is natural for the human mind to look for similarities & differences, between the two.

How one looks different from the other.

How one acts differently from the other.

How different their reactions are to a stimulus.

How different their likes, dislikes, temperament, movements, expressions, sounds, tantrums, sleep times, poop styles, etc. are.

Okay, now would be a good time to share that I am not really talking about two specimens, here.

You are right.

I am talking about my two kids - You & your baby brother.

And yes, the human unable to escape their inevitable difference-observing-nature is your old lady here.

Before you take offense, let me clarify that I am not judging any one of you two.

If anything, I am amazed at how different two siblings can be!

You share the same DNA, and yet, I distinctly remember having greater dark circles witn you than I have now with Vivaan.

I also know for a fact that I felt like you were a football player trying to make a goal every other minute, while I was expecting you, while Vivaan made me put a kick-counter-app in my phone to keep track of his movements.

Your cries could make the neighbours lose sleep, and Vivaan needs me to check up on him again & again, just in case I missed his soft cries.

Okay, I may be judging you a little...

But just as I realise that I am, I get reminded of how the silence without you around, tends to make me feel listless.

I also know that I keep waiting for you to come back from school so that I can see your goofy smile as you speak non-stop about all the things that I did not ask about 

I wish I had your energy-level so as to feel more alive, instead of being this bed-hugging person I have become.

Here is when the compare & contrast between my two kids kicks in again.

You keep me on my toes, while Vivaan makes me sit down.

You instill me with energy, while he makes me meditate.

You add sounds to my speech, while he add the much needed pauses.

You are like dancing in the rain, while he is like making sandcastles on the beach.

You are my heartbeat.

While he is my breath.

You are my Treble.

And he, my Bass.

In this musical of my life, I cannot have one without the other.

And that is what makes my life complete...

Love,

Maa.

P.S. Vivaan is a little shy of three-months-old. I wonder if I have written this letter ahead of its time. I also wonder if you two will have a good laugh, in case he grows up to be cut from the same cloth as you.

May I have the strength I need to survive the avalanche, then.

Snowflake

 Dear Piya,

Snowflake has entered our lives.

And true to the name you gave him, he is a beautiful, tiny speck of life that has mesmerised us.

He was born pre-term, as he just couldn't wait to share his birthday week with you, and then again maybe he wanted to have his birthday come before yours (maybe, perhaps, we will never know...).

And so, right before your 5th birthday, we are home today, with what is going to be our gift to you this year - a baby brother ❤️

I wish you both find as much joy in each other's camaraderie, as I find on your face, every time you see him & insist on waking him up (which is literally all the time!)

You are beaming with joy as the elder sister and he...well, he is too young to say how he really feels about you jumping around him like monkey, the hoo-haa sounds included, but I am sure he is overjoyed too :)

I love you both, to the moon & back, my darling 

Love,

Maa.

Before the second one comes...

 Dear Piya,

You are going to become a big sister in a matter of days!

And before the second one comes along, I wish to share what my heart has been beating with for the past few weeks, with you.

Before you were born, your father & I did not know how our lives were going to change forever. But the change has been such a glorious one that it made us want to have one more of you :)

With you, we have shared a wonderful 5 years of being the trio of Mumma-Papa-Piya.

You have certainly enjoyed all our attention and the perks that come along with being an only child.

Well, that's all going to change, darling. 

As much as I wish for you to stay the cuddly teady bear that you are, with time, you have grown up. So much so that, you have already named the baby to come - Snowflake ❄️

We all love this name, by the way, and may very well use it as the second baby's nickname for life.

Now, I wrote to you, as I have been struggling with the anticipation of what new changes we all stand to witness with your sibling's birth.

I have not known love the way I have experienced with you, my munchkin. In you laughs, your naughtiness, your pouts, your movements, your sleep and much more, I have found a life that is content with smiling without reason.

I miss the years gone by when your tiny, wordless baby body used to stay in arms longer, but I am not ready to give up what they have evolved into in the form of sweet talks, either.

I find myself drawn towards hugging you more than ever before, these days.

I yearn for your company more too, which I surprisingly become tired of in some time as your growing, energetic body beats my fatigued, heavily pregnant one every time.

I keep calling you to just come and share a smile with me, as you get irritated with being drawn away from play every now & then.

But what I love the most is watching you sleep, and wondering how I will miss being only your Mumma (no offense to snowflake; we will have a whole other blog to share second baby!).

I don't know if or how much I will miss you, after the second baby is born. All I know is that this time, the change goes beyond the lives of your father & myself.

This time, it is your life that will see a change too.

I want to assure of one thing, amidst all that wi seem new & perhaps even different - I will always be there for you, my love.

I may need some rest to get back to my senses after sleepless nights, yet again. I may need some quiet to start thinking straight, after the baby is done crying for the 20th time during the day. I may even need a massage or two, before my body feels like it is better than a zombie!

But after all that, I promise you, I will be there as & when you call my name!

But, just as a thought, how about, you be there for us, in the meanwhile?

After all, you are going to be a whopping 5-year-old, in just a few days, so how about sharing this experience by sharing the load, eh?

Nuh? Too much of an ask?

Sure...no problem.

We will stick to my plan of being there for you, despite my fatigue, sleeplessness, irritability, and post-delivery-body-stress.

Sigh.

Some day, I will look back on this letter and get an earful from Snowflake for sure.

Till then, keep smiling, love. You have a lot coming to you now :)

Love,

Maa

Dear God - A praying contest!

 Dear Piya,

Today is March 31, 2022.

That means tomorrow will be Papa's birthday.

And that is what has brought much mirth in our lives, today.

Yes, that his birthday is on April 1 is funny for a silly reason, but this letter to you is about what conversed on the dinner table today.

"Do you not want to cut a cake tomorrow, Amit?" I asked Papa at dinner.

"Nope." He replied.

Your eyes went from me to him, and then back to me, and and then back to him.

After that, you said, "But it's your birthday, Papa!"

Amit looked at you with some surprise in his eyes and asked, "Yes, so what baccha?"

"So you need to cut the cake! It's not Mumma's birthday or my birthday. So YOU have to cut the cake." You elaborated.

While Amit and I exchanged looks of wonder, he managed to say, "Yes, I know that it's my birthday...but I don't like cutting a cake. How about you cut on my behalf?"

"But it's not my birthday, it's YOURS!" You insisted.

While I managed to supress a laugh, he said something weird.

"Okay...how about we make it your birthday tomorrow?"

"No!" You were quick to revert.

And then began the dramatic praying contest.

Amit folded his hands in prayer, looked up towards the ceiling, and said, "Dear God, please make it Piya's birthday tomorrow!"

You found this as a bizzare turn of conversation, and rightly asked him, much to his surprise, "Do you want me to grow up fast, Papa?"

He laughed aloud, before he could manage to reply with, "Sure, that would be nice wouldn't it?"

"No! I will be 5 then and all my friends wi remain 4, so I will be left with no friends in my class!"

"You will make new friends na?" He continued his silliness with.

"No, Papa!" You retorted before folding your own hands and repeating his prayer-style with, "Dear God, please don't accept Papa's request! I don't want my birthday to be tomorrow."

"Dear God, please make Piya's birthday happen tomorrow. She has been a good girl so bless her with a birthday sharing with Papa."

"Dear God, do not listen to Papa..."

"Dear God, I will do anything if you make her birthday happen tomorrow. Don't listen to Piya...look at her feet...they are black with paint..."

"Dear God, Papa hasn't even changed his clothes after coming from office! Don't listen to him."

I pointed out that you both were bordering on demeaning each other, so your prayers changed for good. But the prayers remained weird & hilarious for quote some time.

You may be wondering how it ended.

Well, this is how.

You climbed on his shoulders and started pulling his hair to make him stop his ridiculous prayers 🤣

I wish I had a video capturing all of what happened, for this letter may not cover even a tenth of what idiocy kept flowing through the dinner table tonight!

Your expresions, your cheeky replies, your persistence and your father's childishness are a sight at times, I tell you!

 Anyway, here is my take on the whole thing - No, darling, we don't want you to grow up too fast. If you were to, then we would dearly miss these events that make for find memories for a lifetime, won't we?

Stay the wondrous child you are for as long as your heart desires ❤️

Love,

Maa

Hold my hand, no more, darling.

Dear Piya,

I hear stories of empty nesters.

These are parents whose kids have grown up and flown out of their best, this leaving it empty for these parents now.

Often, I have wondered how these parents cope with the void that their kids leave behind.

While I have always favoured an indpendent 'you', the very thought of having to live in a house where you have grown up is a little heart-breaking, to say the least!

And to think of it, you are not even 5, yet :)

So, what is it that makes the gut squirm in pain at the thought of distancing physically from you?

I got of glimpse of this, just today...

We are away in a vacation with some friends.

You are enjoying yourself with a dip in the pool, a castle-buildup by the beach sand and even with a little carefree roaming here & there.

Amidst all this, we are trying to have a little joy of our own by being chatty & relaxed with our gang of accompanying friends.

So when we were sitting in the garden of our beautiful resort today, enjoying the evening snack cum chatter, you found yourself oddly drawn to our room (a 5-min-walk-away cottage).

You came up to me & asked to go there.

I was not feeling quite up to it, as I had walked up & down the resort a few times since morning.

You said you wanted to pee. So you had to go, without a doubt.

My face showed clear hesitation.

Judging it correctly, you said "I can go on my own, Mumma".

My eyes widened with a mix of doubt & surprise.

"I know the way. Besides, Papa is back at the room, so he will open the door for me."

I thought over this for a little while - 5 seconds to be precise, as you were holding your pee-pee area with intent.

I called up your Papa and shared that you are coming to the cottage. I asked him to give me a call back the second you reached.

As I saw you peace away towards the room, I couldn't help but look at your hands, dancing around your waist freely, as you ran.

And just as I saw that, I felt the emptiness of your hands hold around mine. You have held my hand on your way to places for son long that my palms felt vacant now.

Maybe that's what an empty nest feels like, when multiplied by a factor of 1000.

Your independence, that I so desire & encourage, is going to come with many such small heartbreaks.

I can only hope that I am happier for the path you will walk upon confidently rather than sad for the footprints left behind in my heart.

Thankfully, my heartache got replaced by a streak of anger, as later that evening, I realised you weren't around only to find you back at the room, all by yourself again!

Can't wait to grow up & be all by yourself, eh, kiddo?!

Patience, child, patience.

Love,

Maa.

The Noise

 Dear Piya,

It is the middle of the night, right now.

You have just fallen asleep in my lap.

And the tears around your eyes are yet to dry...

Today was a tough one. Of late, many days have been like that.

Tough.

Because your strong personality is going through what I can only hope to be a phase - you have become a little brat-ish.

Usually, your cute smile couple with an irresistible 'please' gets you all you want from Mumma & Papa. But there is only so much chocolate, cold drink, cream, biscuits, fried junk etc. that these pleases can extract from a mom.

But here is the tough part - you have become averse to a 'No'.

And so, every NO from me, no matter how right it may be, gets a really strong response from you; one that I never like.

It feels like these tantrums that you throw for every NO are getting more & more frequent. And as much as I would want to calmly talk us out of every situation, sometimes there just isn't the time, place or company around to facilitate that. Not to mention, my patience has been adapting to your new phase by growing thinner by the day!

So today, as you showed me some bad attitude in responae to an argument, I threw my arms up in the air & gave up.

We were at a party and I couldn't stand for a minute more owing to a terrible backache. But you refused to come back. I could have yelled at you or coerced you. I chose to do the latter.

Once we came back home, you continued throwing your weight around. That is when I have up.

I shared the troubling thought of us becoming more & more emotionally distant if you kept misbehaving with your Mumma... 

You cried your eyea out at this and pouted for a good 15 min.

I stay put in one corner, calmly sharing that your bad behaviour breaks my heart, so much so that I ended up saying that.

Piya, my love, you came to me after 5 min, cried in my lap again but this time you heard what I had to share - I was hurt. I have been hurt by your brat-ish attitude a lot of late, but you have not really paid any heed to my feelings. 

You did, though, today.

Aa we shared a heart-to-heart, you slept with the promise of doing better from now on.

That is when it dawned upon me.

When we are together, just you & I, you hear me. You listen to nothing else but my voice. My words reach you in the absence of any other noise of the world - the chatter of other people around, the traffic on the roads, the calls of friends, the music of the world as well as the cacophony of the world.

All these tend to die our conversations down to a point wherein we talk but seldom listen to each other.

As I sit with your breath reaching my ears from your face resting in my lap still, I wish for more of such 'Noise-less' conversations to come into our lives.

 I don't know how, but I know that I will start working towards that starting tomorrow.

As of now, I am enjoying the quiet of this night.

As am I enjoying your sleeping face on my lap.

Love,

Maa.